Sunday, June 25, 2017

Alien Week, part VII: The space odyssey


PROMETHEUS

Fitfully great, and with far more potential than it ever quite pays off upon, Prometheus is ironic in that it's an Alien film that itself suffers from xenomorphic impregnation.

2012
Directed by Ridley Scott
Written by Jon Spaihts and Damon Lindelof
With Michael Fassbender (David), Noomi Rapace (Dr. Elizabeth Shaw), Logan Marshall-Green (Dr. Charlie Holloway), Charlize Theron (Meredith Vickers), Idris Elba (Capt. Janek), and Guy Pearce (Peter Weyland)

Spoiler alert: high

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Tommy the Mummy Slayer


THE MUMMY

It's mostly a waste of a perfectly good all-powerful resurrected corpse, but it does have a few nice compensations.

2017
Directed by Alex Kurtzman
Written by (deep breath) Jon Spaihts, Jenny Lumet, Dylan Kussman, Christopher McQuarrie, David Koepp, and Alex Kurtzman
With Tom Cruise (Nick Morton), Annabelle Wallis (Jenny Halsey), Jake Johnson (Chris Vail), Russell Crowe (Dr. Henry Jekyll), and Sofia Boutella (Ahmanet)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average


WONDER WOMAN

Wonder Woman, and all sorts of women, deserved better.

2017
Directed by Patty Jenkins
Written by Allan Heinberg, Jason Fuchs, and Zack Snyder
With Gal Gadot (Princess Diana of Themyscira), Chris Pine (Steve Trevor), Connie Nielsen (Queen Hippolyta), Robin Wright (Princess Antiope), David Thewliss (Sir Patrick Morgan), Danny Huston (Gen. d. Inf. Erich von Ludendorff), and Elena Anaya (Dr. "Poison" Maru)

Spoiler alert: high

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Alien Week, part VI: The war of the worlds


ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

Oh, right: this is the one that really pissed everyone off.  As well it should have, for Requiem isn't just the nadir of this franchise; it's perilously close to being the nadir of 21st century filmmaking, period.  Truly, it is inept in ways you've never seen before, will never see again, and—not to put too fine a point on it—it's inept in ways you don't even see at all.  What a calamity this film is.

2007
Directed by Colin Strause and Greg Strause
Written by Shane Salerno
With Johnny Lewis (Ricky), Steven Pasquale (Dallas), Kristen Hager (Jesse), Reiko Aylesworth (Kelly), Ian Whyte ("Wolf"), and Tom Woodruff, Jr. (the Predalien)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Alien Week, part V: The chariots of the gods


ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

AVP isn't exactly great, but is absolutely some brand of "good enough," and it's entirely impossible for me to understand how this is the one that wound up pissing everybody off.

2004
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by Dan O'Bannon, Ronald Shusett, and Paul W.S. Anderson
With Sanaa Lathan (Alexa Woods), Lance Henriksen (Charles Bishop Weyland), Ian Whyte ("Scar"), and Tom Woodruff, Jr. ("Grid")

Spoiler alert: moderate

Monday, May 29, 2017

Alien Week, part IV: The blob


ALIEN: RESURRECTION

I reviewed a movie written by Joss Whedon without using the word "quip" once.  Worship me!

1997
Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Written by Joss Whedon
With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Winona Ryder (Call), Michael Wincott (Elgyn), Ron Perlman (Johner), Gary Dourdan (Christie), Kim Flowers (Hillard), Dominique Pinon (Vriess), J.E. Freeman (Dr. Wren), Dan Hedaya (Gen. Perez), and Brad Dourif (Dr. Gediman)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Alien Week, part III: The planet of the vampires


ALIEN³

Well, I strongly doubt it's gotten any less tedious.

1992
Directed by David Fincher
Written by David Giler, Walter Hill, Larry Ferguson, and Vincent Ward
With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Charles Dance (Dr. Jonathan Clemens), and Charles S. Dutton (Dillon)

Spoiler alert: mild
Note: this is a slightly reworked review from my David Fincher retrospective, written two years back, which may explain why it's shorter (and no doubt better) than anything I manage to produce now; but the point, of course, is that if you thought I was going to actually watch this movie again, then the real joke, my friend, is on you